The Deep Ward Weekly, Volume 1

Volume 1 Issue 1

The One Man Editorial
L.B. Briskes reporting from the Institute of War

    It seems as though the world has forgotten what real journalism looks like. It's really no surprise to me, considering how long my penmanship has been absent from the world of Valoran News and further taking into account how fleeting the memories of the world's readership are despite numerous and magnificent attempts of mine to burn the taste and sound of true reporting into your thick skulls. After a long and well deserved vacation, those of you with the most elevated levels of cavemagnum intelligence may now rejoice. Due to certain... inescapable realities of finance, my time abroad has come to a close.

    I am once again ready to put ink to paper, raising heavy lids to the insensate and cognizant events of our time alike, and lucky for you none of the numerous and provisionally storied applicants to The Deep Ward Weekly's glowing vacancies of staff have been found worthy. So I will be your sole writer, until such a time as someone whose eyes are not filmed over with the haze of death steps through my door with application in hand. I'm talking to you Mr Gazorilamus. Being seventy might give you a delusional sense of journalistic equity, but you had better cash that in elsewhere before you kick the bucket tomorrow. So without further adieu, I give you the first and foremost Issue of this, your one and only choice in news.


A Death for the History Books
L.B. Briskes reporting from the Institute of War

    Have you ever heard of a man dying from drowning in barf? Come now, you and I both know this is the kind of news you would like to scarf down without a second thought, even if it had just been spilled across the floor in one of those border town Inns that smell as though they moonlight as pig sties. You know the kind. I'm sorry to disappoint that this latest occurrence has fallen slightly short of the mark, but soon you'll agree that it may be the closest case we will see in our lifetimes, barring the infinitesimal chance that Ram Steed's words begin to take a solid form, and thus drown him until dead.

    One Victus Brightblade, not so bright if you ask me, was taken prisoner by Demacian authorities and subsequently killed during an attempted escape. Just before he was apprehended he was found attempting to strangle to death the yordle champion Lulu, having been thoroughly glazed with puke and bile before he was subdued and killed. The raging barf covered warrior died from blood loss, but lets not assume the even coating of partially digested "whatever wildly insane Yordle sorceresses eat" did not play a crucial role in his demise. If a member of the public hears of an obituary with closer circumstances to the aforementioned case of readership boosting gold, feel obligated to send word to The Deep Ward Weekly staff in as much nauseating detail as your imagination can recall.


Total Eclipse of the Heart
L.B. Briskes reporting from the Institute of War

    Have you ever wondered where the Grand General's romantic proclivities lie? Me neither. If you have answered yes to this question, may I direct you and your cane and/or wrinkle fetish to the equally haggard  and long ago widowed, Mr. Gazorilamus. I must warn you though that if your intentions are of the gold-digging persuasion, that though he is fast approaching his expiration date, he is to the best of my knowledge unemployed. If these issues do nothing to dissuade you, feel sworn to silence when it comes to details of your encounter.

    That being said, the list of the General's date ending pastimes may include moonlit strolls. It has come to this publication's attention that Jericho Swain has allowed the Solari branded "heretic", Diana, to open a temple in the city where I can only imagine they dance naked under the moonlit sky and chant feel-good nonsense at one another until they crawl back under their rocks at sunrise. Seeing how quickly this event has developed, some have voiced concerns over this decision.

    A Zaunite scientist, Mauls Furly had this to say. "My Hexagulus calculations clearly prove that the luminous quality of moonlight is directly and inextricably tethered to the sun in a coexistence that condradicts all claims of divinitial separality based on their source of power being undeniably singular." Luckily one of his colleagues was able to translate. Apparently he believes Noxus shouldn't be siding with an imposter, whatever that means. Who's to say what will come of it, but with Diana moving in and Lunari recruiters wandering the city, it's easy to wonder if this relationship isn't moving too quickly.