Udyr vs the Wiles of Women [Non-Canon]

This is one of my earliest short stories. I figured I'd post it because it's quite humorous, and it leads into a few things as to why I do things as a certain character.

This is before I ever met Kuz, and in the earlier stages of my writing skills, so enjoy!

=====================================

*U=Udyr, H=Horatio, B=Blitzcrank

Udyr versus the Wiles of Women

"I'm surprised you agreed to this so easily." A robed man waved his hands in front of a crystal ball. A grunt was the response he got as he finished his incantation. The man continued, "Blitzcrank is going to transcribe this interview, just tell me when you're ready Udyr."

The being regarded as Udyr shuffled his mighty shoulders, "Enough theatrics. Ask your questions."

The man tapped his crystal ball, "This is 'Interview with the Champs!' Hello and we're live! I'm Summoner Horatio and with us today is a VERY special guest! Everyone, we have Udyr the Animal spirit with us! One of the most reclusive champions, tell us Udyr. Why are you here today?"

Udyr grunted, shifting his posture into a more hunched and intimidating pose, "We were told there were some…misconceptions of us."

Horatio looked behind him, a golden steel golem nosily scribbled down each and everything. "I believe it started with our very own Blitzcrank's 'Dating Services' that these allegations came to pass."

Udyr grunted, "No, it was simply his services that brought it into obvious light."

Horatio cocked his eye at him, "Um…he who?"

Udyr pointed at the golem, "Blitzcrank. Who else would you think we meant?"

"Ah…well…Blitzcrank is a golem. A machine, we're not even sure if it can even feel emotion." Horatio was lifted off his feet by Udyr.

A scathingly hot aura licked at Horatio's skin, "When we see anyone, anything be more honorable, more honest, more just than most mortals we have seen in our life time, they deserve to be called a man."

The golem responded in a monotonous voice, "THANK-YOU-UDYR."

Horatio swallowed nervously, "W-w-which brings us to our topic today! Udyr, the Animal Spirit: A misogynistic woman hating pig or is he simply misunderstood?"

Udyr set him back on his feet and sat in an overstuffed comfy chair. He sank into the chair, growling at how deep he fell in. Within moments the chair was reduced to splinters. Horatio looked at the sidelines, "Can…can someone bring Udyr a chair?"

Udyr shook his head, "No. We will stand."

Horatio sighed, "Alright then. Let's begin."

Interview

U: Who called us such titles?

H: Ah, I think that was either Katarina or Miss Fortune. I'd have to check.

U: We suppose it matters not. They are both spiteful weaklings

H: …Uh…You do realize this is live, right?"

U: So?

H: Being broadcasted all over Valoran?

U: …

H: Well…Let's start with how this all began! As most of you know, Blitzcrank ran a beta dating service to rate the compatibility between people and your favourite champions! The only being that had an absolute zero percent is with us today. Isn't that right, Blitzcrank?

B: THE-SECOND-LOWEST-WAS-NOCTURNE-WITH-A-0.5%-CHANCE-WITH-CHO-GATH-I-HAD-TO-SCRUB-MY-MEMORY-OF-THAT-IMAGE-FOR-HOURS-IT-STILL-HAUNTS-ME-IN-MY-SLEEP

H: *Laughing* Yes yes, we don't want to envision that. So with that in mind, Udyr, how is it you had no compatibility with any of these women?

U: We do not care to. We still do not care.

H: Then why are you here?"

U: We have our reasons.

H: Which are?

U: Doesn't matter.

H: So today we have a very special and fun list of questions. Each one has been submitted by one of the female champions of the League to see why Udyr is a complete and utter zero in their lovely eyes! Are you ready Udyr?

U: …

H: Nnnnot even the slightest bit excited?

U: The fact that we have to answer these inane questions at all perplexes us. Begin.

H: Let's start simple first, Blitzcrank has compiled the questions into different piles, from simplest to…um…what…what is this pile?

B: THAT-IS-THE-CENSORED-PILE-60%-OF-THEM-COME-FROM-SARAH-FORTUNE

U: She seems to still be spiteful from that match

H: What match…Ah. I remember. The Ionia versus Noxus rematch, right?

U: Yes.

H: What was it that made her so upset?

U: We told her the truth. She is a weak useless human being who is better off staying at home than being on the battlefield.

H: …And you wonder why you got such a reputation.

U: No. We don't. Stop your incessant chattering and begin.

Question 1

H: Oh right, alright. This is from…Irelia? The Irelia?

U: She is a comrade of ours. What does she ask?

H: Apparently her question is, "Udyr, what is your opinion on women?" That seems kind of silly.

U: Men are men, women are women. They are different beings. What a man can do a woman cannot, what a woman can do a man cannot. It is that simple.

H: Then what about all our lovely ladies in the League? Are you saying they shouldn't be here?"

U: No. We are saying many of them shouldn't. They don't deserve to be here.

H: Udyr, we have security at the doors and apparently even now several women of the League are trying to break in. Maybe you should clarify what you mean. Quickly.

U: They are upset because they are stupid and are letting emotions cloud their judgement.

H: Uh, Udyr, maybe you should be less harsh. I can hear a storm gathering, a literal one. Please clarify yourself before we all die horribly.

B: UDYR-EVEN-I-CANNOT-UNDERSTAND-WHAT-YOU-MEAN-

U: We forgive Blitzcrank for not understanding, but you are incredibly stupid. Men. Are. Men. Women. Are. Women. In the world there are these two genders. What makes a man, a man?

H: Uh…certain…body parts

U: Muscles do not count. What makes a man exactly that? It is the strength of their character. How far a man is willing to go, how strong they are willing to become. A true man seeks to better themselves in every imaginable way possible.

H: …Okay?

U: Now then. With that in mind. What makes, a woman, a woman?

H: Uh…staying home and making men sandwiches?

*Udyr is off his feet and attempting to strangle a clearly confused Horatio*

H: B-but you you implied that!

U: Learn to understand the meaning of words you fool!

H: *Cough* Fine! Fine! Let me go!

*Udyr releases Horatio, goes back to standing on his side of the room*

U: Why is a woman, a woman?

H: Idon'tknowdon'thitmeagain!

U: People misconceive the idea that women are inferior because of prefix of wo. With that in mind, what makes a woman, a woman?

H: …Certain…organs?

U: Yes. That is correct. With that in mind, why should a man protect a woman?

H: Uh… if I understand you correctly…a man should protect a woman because they can give birth?

U: Exactly. Now why should a woman protect a man?

H: I'm…I'm not following.

B: BY-UDYR'S-TRAIN-OF-THOUGHT-A-WOMAN-IS-A-MAN-WITH-DIFFERENT-FEATURES

U: Thank you Blitzcrank. Man and woman cannot be separate. They are both men.

H: Nnnno they're not

U: Then why do both of your terminologies have the same letters in their words? Male, female. Man, woman. They are the same creature.

H: Fine, let's say that. You are famous for insulting the strength of many of the women in the League.

U: Because men are inherently much stronger than women. That is genetic.

H: This is the League; there are plenty of strong women here!

U: There are plenty of men and women with fancy toys here. They are worthless, they deserve a slow and painful death or to step aside and let others show them what being a man means.

H: Wait…did…did you just emasculate some of the men?

U: Women like that worthless sheriff woman needs a device to help her catch her prey. That pirate Gangplank is another example of that worthlessness, he needs his petty gun and the aid of his crew to help him win fights. That is not being a man that is being scum.

H: What about the genetic thing you were just talking about? If you think that's true, what makes using a weapon or not any different?

U: It does and does not. If you take away everything a man has, what can they fight with? If the sheriff does not have her rifle, will she be able to best us? Would she be able to best you? What of her quarry? Would the pirate be able to take us down despite not having his overly dependent revolver?

H: But your previous point…Are you ignoring that?

U: You are lucky we are letting you live despite your rudeness. We hold nothing but the upmost respect for those able to overcome their history, personal or genetic. Akali is a fine example; she can slice stone with her bare hands. Show us how many men can do such a feat. The frost archer Ashe is able to survive sub-arctic temperatures that would make even us cringe. That is strength. We respect that.

Question 2

H: Okay, I can see why that was the first question. Let's randomize this, and take it from a different pile… What's this pile Blitzcrank?

B: THAT-IS-THE-INCREDIBLY-RUDE-BUT-STILL-MAKES-A-VALID-QUESTION-PILE

H: Hokay, let's grab one from this pile. It's from Janna? What could she…oh…oh my goodness… How did she imagine a boot would fit there?

U: Ah yes. We know the question already, but ask away.

H: Um, with some…careful rewording, "Udyr, what is the real reason you turned me away?"

U: She asked we if we wished to have a drink with her.

H: …Janna. Janna did?

U: Yes. She did. She offered to buy us drinks, and we were content with the deal. Then she asked if I would unleash the beast within her bed.

H: …And?

U: We refused. The release of a primal beast in any space is dangerous, that was a stupid request. We rarely unleash our full power unless we wish to slay a truly worthy opponent. So we declined and said she would not be able to handle our fury unleashed. She became angered for some reason.

H: …O…kay? Did she say why she was interested in having a drink with you?

U: Now that's a strange thing. She said she wished to talk about Ionian political matters, but when we shared drinks she did not ask a single question. Not that we could answer, we barely know what happens in the political sphere.

H: …I hate you so much.

U: Excuse you?

B: I-HAVE-TO-AGREE-YOU-WERE-A-BIT-DENSE-

U: How so?

Question 3

H: Let's…let's just move on. Please. Next question, let's take it from… the nice pile? Is that what this is?

B: -YES-

H: Hokay, this is from Lady Luxana. "Dear Udyr, you jack ass, how dare you- woah what? Blitzcrank! That's not nice at all!"

B: -YOU-SHIFTED-YOUR-HAND-OVER-AND-DREW-FROM-THE-INSULT-PILE-

H: What could you have possibly said to a sweet girl like her to insult you?

U: We told her she was too small to be in the fields of justice.

H: Told her what was too small?

U: *Motions at his torso* This.

H: …You told a woman her chest was too small?

U: Yes.

H: That…that is disturbing. She's one of the youngest members of the League.

U: Hence why she needs to build her muscles more. Or else she will not survive. We enjoy fighting the Demacians; her brother has never disappointed us in a fight. We wish the same kind of resolve from her.

H: Udyr, you said her chest was small.

U: And her shoulders. And her arms. Her legs would have to be built alongside them or else they wouldn't be able to support a top heavy body but we thought that was implied.

Question 4

H: O…kay. What's this, Blitzcrank?

B: -THAT-IS-SURPRISINGLY-A-POLITE-QUESTION-FOR-UDYR-PILE-

H: There's only one card.

B: -POINT-BEING-

H: Alright, let's take from that. It's from… Nidalee. She asks, "Udyr, where have you been? I miss seeing you for our hunts." You hunt with Nidalee?

U: Yes. Many times.

H: So...have you…y'know?

U: Have we what?

H: Have you…bushwhacked with her?

U: Why would we bushwhack with her? She is more than ample to do so herself.

H: Dear heavenly beings…alright. So why haven't you hunted with her recently?

U: A demon is after us.

H: A…demon? What do you mean?

U: A demon hunts us. We must be careful.

H: You're not making sense.

U: A nine tailed demon that looks and sounds like a mortal. It is unnatural.

H: A nine tailed…you mean Ahri? The newest Ionian accepted into the League?

U: The creature has a name?

H: That's not fair to say Udyr, you're an animal yourself.

U: We are the representation of five celestial gods. That thing is a monster.

H: What makes you say that?

U: It is a beast made a man without a soul.

H: Rammus was made sentient. Do you dislike him as well?

U: No, his silent wisdom precedes most sages. He is wise beyond his years.

H: Then why do you have a problem with Ahri?

U: It is the most terrifying monster ever conceived in Runeterra. It deserves death.

H: …But her…her assets. How can you ignore that?

U: Her power is great, that is true. Tell us this; it used to be a fox made into a human by wild magic. Correct?

H: Yes, that is right. So?

U: What sort of magic creates a being with such large breasts?

H: Pfft!

U: It is utterly ridiculous and frightening to think that magic can create a being that exudes the female sex.

H: But…that just means she's…really, really…uh…hoo boy. Is it getting' hot in here?

B: I-DETECT-AN-OVER-STIMULATION-IN-YOUR-

H: Moving on!

U: You have just made our point. We saw Nocturne, a creature born of complete malice, hate, and anger, attempt to nuzzle itself in the beast's bosom. It can steal the heart of supernatural beings. Then there was the time it saw us in the forests. It had attempted to steal our souls then.

H: How did she manage that?

U: It asked if we wished to go hunting with it.

H: …So?

U: We almost said yes without thinking upon it. As if it was dragged from our minds. We were acting irrationally, almost drooling like complete fools. We almost lost all forms of control from a simple sentence.

H: Or maybe you think she's hot? That's a possibility.

U: We think it is the single most terrifying thing ever to darken our landscape.

H: But she's your countryman.

U: Until it can control itself, we refuse to see it as such. We wish for it to be erased.

H: Maybe you should call her, y'know, her. We all know her story, and yours. You should be the last person to pass judgement so quickly. She is trying to control herself, she has made leaps and bounds in that regard. She is trying to be a person, a better one than you at any rate.

U: *Narrows eyes, fire gathers in his hand*

H: Aaaand there goes my bladder control.

U: *Calms down, fire dies out* No. Perhaps you are right. We apologize, and we will attempt communication with Ahri once more…sometime in the near future. Once we gain a bit more strength to overcome her influence. We miss the forests. Prices at the bar are outrageous, and we miss drinking Nidalee's cougar juice.

H: *Chokes* Her-her what?

U: Cougar juice. It tastes like an aromatic wine, very rich, and full of flavor. It is a type of alcohol with no properly translated name. She dubbed it hence since most have a terrible accent when attempting cougar growls. She learned the recipe from her family back in the jungle. It is tradition for us to share a glass of cougar juice before and after a hunt.

H: Fine. (Lucky son of a…) On to the next question!

U: Agreed.

Question 5

H: There are literally hundreds of questions in these piles. There seems to be only one from your countrymen though.

U: Truly? Only Irelia?

H: You sound surprised. Were you expecting someone?

U: No.

H: Hmkay, lesse…Hey Blitz.

B: -YES?-

H: Were there any questions that interested you?

B: -ONE-

H: Is it in any of the piles?

B: -NO-I-AM-HOLDING-IT-I-WAS-WAITING-TO-SEE-IF-I-COULD-ASK-UDYR-MYSELF

U: By all means

B: -THIS-IS-FROM-MYSELF-WHAT-DO-YOU-FIND-ARE-THE-BEST-CHARACTERISTICS-OF-A-OPPOSITE GENDER?-

U: Hrm. That is simple. Strong in mind, strong in body, has a sense of modesty, a sense of virtue. A sense of duty. They must be willing to fight with all their heart and soul.

B: -SO-BASICALLY-IRELIA?-SHE-HAS-BEEN-CATEGORIZED-AS-THESE-THINGS-MANY-TIMES-AND-EVEN-IN-OUR-COMPATIBILITY-SERVICES-

U: Yes. Hence why we wish to kill her.

H: Wait, didn't you say she was your comrade?

U: Yes. We wish to kill her, and a few others. We wish to kill Riven as well. We also wish to kill Garen Crownguard, the self-proclaimed champion Jax, every void creature, Nocturne, Renekton and Nasus to name only a few. We respect their strength.

H: …You wish to kill them.

U: Yes.

H: You fight them in the sparring pits and League sanctioned matches all the time.

U: We wish to do it outside a League match. No boundaries, no inhibiting factors. If we can slay them, that means we can overcome what strength they have.

H: Let me edit Blitzcrank's question then. Would you ever, in this life time, fall in love?

U: No. Love is a useless emotion, not meant for those who wish to reign with their fist.

H: So you have no feelings for anyone, whatsoever? Man or woman?

U: We respect. We honor. Love is a weakness. Many succumb to it, we will not. We refuse; it would be an insult to these fists which have sacrificed everything for their strength.

H: Let's go back to the killing thing then. Do you wish to kill Akali? You said you respected her strength.

U: If she stood in our way, then yes. We would have to, not because we would want to. She is part of the Kinkou, the elite ninja order of Valoran. We respect her and her comrades; it would pain us to have to kill them. They have an important duty.

H: Alright, this does a pretty good job clearing things up. I suppose we'll wrap things up-

B: -WAIT-I-JUST-RECEIVED-AN-URGENT-QUESTION-

Question 6

H: The show's almost over, who is the question from?

B: -IT-IS-FROM-THE-IONIAN-AMBASSADOR-KARMA

U: Lady Karma?

H: Does it matter? Let's wrap u-

U: We wish to hear Lady Karma's inquiry.

H: Oh? Alright then. Blitzcrank, pass me the question.

*A giant fist rockets towards Horatio, he dodges just in time as the fist slams at his feet*

B: -NEXT-TIME-SAY-PLEASE-

H: Noted. Thoroughly noted. Ach-hem, "I have a meeting with Noxian officials in half an hour. Would you accompany me?" That's it? What a st-"

U: Gladly.

H: What?

B: -BEEP-BOOP-DOES-NOT-COMPUTE-

U: We have accompanied the good Lady Karma many times during her meetings. We act as her guardians.

H: Her guardians? How often do you see Karma?

U: Whenever we can. She is quite busy outside of League matches. When we are not needed in a fight, we accompany Lady Karma wherever she goes.

H: Is she not strong enough to take care of herself?

U: Not at all.

H: Then why are you needed?

U: She is valuable to us.

H: Oh?

U: To Ionians in general.

H: Of course that's what you meant. Tell me, is she modest?

U: Yes.

H: Is she a virtuous woman?

*Udyr simply glares at Horatio. Despite being attacked before, Horatio starts shivering. He feels like he is staring at death itself.*

H: M-moving on! Then why do you value her so much?

U: …She is the representative of the Ionians. She is valuable.

H: But isn't it true that you actually did not associate with the Ionians until the Ionian versus Noxian rematch? In fact, you flat out refused to aid them in many matches prior to that event?

U: Yes. Matters were different then.

H: Do you consider yourself an Ionian?

U: Udyr was born an Ionian. We no longer label ourselves such.

H: But then why do you care about the state of Karma?

U: …

H: Do you wish to kill her? To show your strength?

U: …That would prove me being nothing more than a monster.

H: I suppose, Karma is one of the more stately….Wait, did I just hear you right?

U: …

H: Blitzcrank, did he say what I think he said?

B: -NOT-SURE-

H: I'm positive he did. Look at that folks! Udyr is speechless! So Udyr, what-

B: -HORATIO?-

H: Yes Blitzcrank?

B: -WHAT-DID-THE-FIVE-FINGERS-SAY-TO-THE-FACE?-

H: Bwuh?

*Blitzcrank's arm tears forward, slapping Horatio off his feet and sends him soaring. The crystal ball immediately loses its' enchantment and dims in light. Udyr turns to face Blitzcrank*

B: -BANG-

U: We thank you. Although we are sure we heard Jax iterate that saying in a different manner. How could we repay you?

B: -CAN-WE-USE-NEWFOUND-DATA-IN-OUR-NEXT-FLESHLING-COUPLE-SERVICES-TESTING-?-

U: You may. We have nothing to hide. We apologize for the punishment you will receive for harming him.

B: -WHAT-ARE-THEY-GOING-TO-DO?-KILL-ME?-HA-HA-HA-

*Udyr gets up and walks out of the room*

The thunderous steps of Udyr boomed as he marched out of the room, down the hallway he could see a lithe figure dressed in black and white. Her soft, graceful stride seemed to overpower Udyr's steps. He bowed his head to her, muttering, "How do you fare, Lady Karma?"

Karma's kimono slightly fluttered about her, a strange otherworldly grace seemed to perch itself on her shoulders, keeping her posture straight and regal. "I fare well, Udyr. I watched the interview."

"Ah. Yes." Udyr grumbled at her.

Karma's tittered in response, "You did not have to attend it. I could have stopped the Ionian Council from strong arming you into it."

Udyr grunted, "No, it had to be done. We were harming Ionia's reputation simply because people are too stupid to figure out what our words mean. They need someone to explain it word for word. It is a miracle humans are not extinct yet."

Karma drew back; she appeared hurt by his words, "Oh? You would want us extinct?"

Udyr's demeanor surprisingly turned soft, "No, Lady Karma… Let us be off. You will be late for your meeting."

Karma walked side by side with Udyr. She smirked at him, "So what was with all of those innuendos?"

Udyr broke out laughing, "He thought we misunderstood him. We simply took his words literally and we spoke truthfully. What foolish men we meet, hm?"

Karma raised a coy eyebrow, "Cougar juice? I am more than sure that Nidalee coined it Kumungu wine."

Udyr's laughter turned into a chuckle, "A quaint jest. We hope that will please and lessen her anger towards us."

"And what about the genetics comment? He completely missed the fact of a man who lived in a forest his entire life knew about the laws of genetics." Karma's smile did not peter.

Udyr scratched his beard, "We think that simply went over his head. After all, we have a subscription to Heimerdinger's 'Big Rig and Hextech Science' magazine."

Karma threw a look at Udyr, trying to read him. Udyr broke out laughing, "It is an interesting read. Our personal collection of literature is grand. It is the only reason why we would keep a room in the Institute. The forest is a terrible place to keep any form of writings. We came to this conclusion after the fifth malicious chipmunk."

Karma's smile returned, "You should come see the library of the Ionian Elders. I have access to it and all its' secrets. You are more than welcome to the collection. And I swear: no malicious chipmunks darken their archives."

Udyr looked frontward, his eyes a gentle glow, "We may take you up on that offer, Lady Karma."