Vari

There are still a couple of glaring issues with this profile, so we'll work down the list.

Image:

You have one as an avatar. Please use it.

Class:

Please give some kind of indication of what you are, even if you’re currently just a wanderer.

Abilities:

Your inherent ability to learn things rapidly is still remains unexplained. This is absolutely critical to your character, and will not enter the canon without explanation of how it works and can be applied to different schools of learning.

Your weapon should be listed and explained fully in the Equipment section of your profile.

Description:

Jul 7, 2013 17:08:14 GMT -5 Vari said:

His hair is naturally black but he bleaches it white because his favorite color is white.

Going from black to white is literally going from one end of the spectrum to another. Your hair will be unhealthy and frazzled if you do not follow proper hair-care procedures such using special shampoos, etc. Particularly in an environment like Zaun, there’s next to zero way this would be possible. Why would your character want to change his hair color, if he could never actually show it? Also your eyebrows will still be black and bleaching your entire head will not make your hair permanently white. The roots will still return to their natural color (black). Having characteristics without reasoning prevents the development of depth and meaning in your character, which you should be striving to achieve.

Biography:

Jul 7, 2013 17:08:14 GMT -5 Vari said:

His parents were nice, or at least they tried to be. They always seemed bitter…

Why did the parents sound bitter? They don’t seem to be bad people. Ask yourself why this might be the case, and use the answers to start giving actual canon coherence to your character.

Jul 7, 2013 17:08:14 GMT -5 Vari said:

The only time Vari ever went outside was to go to school. His parents would drive him there. He always wore a grey jacket with pull strings to tighten the hood to keep his hair concealed from the air. His parents told him the air would stain his hair otherwise. That just made him want to stay inside more.

If there was no reason for him to go outside, his physical capabilities should have suffered. Your character must be developed with logical considerations in mind.

Jul 7, 2013 17:08:14 GMT -5 Vari said:

He avoided bullies simply by running away, though they rarely went after Vari.

This just seems to say that your character lacks typical weaknesses of an academic type character. Again you’ve not provided any depth as to why this may be the case. We don’t want characters who have arbitrary talents with no history because they’re hard to roleplay with. If you can’t provide a reason for your talents, your character comes off as self-flattering, poorly developed, and boring to read about. To use your own words: “No one could catch him, and he always payed attention to his surroundings, so it was pointless.”

Jul 7, 2013 17:08:14 GMT -5 Vari said:

He skipped 2 grades in school.

How and why? Use details to show that your character has a life and history. Details like this seem to indicate that you want your character to be capable, but haven’t put in the effort to think about how and why that might be the case.

Jul 7, 2013 17:08:14 GMT -5 Vari said:

Over the years he had grown to hate Zaun more and more.

Your character doesn’t appear to hold any values common to the Zaunites. How did he get to be this way growing up in Zaun? This comes off as an attempt to give your character a reason to travel at the expense of the development of his personality and character.

Jul 7, 2013 17:08:14 GMT -5 Vari said:

He just kept moving and ignored anyone in trouble, knowing he couldn't help even with a weapon.

This is pretty important to your character’s personality since you state that “he likes helping others” but you know. Ignores them at the same time.

Purpose:

How will you Vari about becoming as ‘high ranking’ as Vi and Caitlyn? Caitlyn is the Sheriff and Vi is her partner. There is no rank higher than them. Furthermore, unless you’re planning on spending most of your time in Maelstrom pursuing this single goal, becoming an officer at 18 (since we go by real time where characters do age) will take a while. And no, being a fast learner does not give you a free pass into the police force.

In addition, all of your previous description of Vari is as a closeted, non-physical character. He shouldn’t have the kind of physical makeup to be an enforcement officer, and based on what you’ve provided in his history, he ought to be smart enough to realize that. Again, you have to consider the logical coherence of the character you develop.

Then there is the issue of making hextech devices. All your character knows is what he has read from books and has created one weapon. He has had no actual experience with making things that can be produced and sold all by himself.

If I was to say your purpose in life was to get a job, would that be true? He may have a goal, but a goal does not equate to reason.